Christmas Eve...The Loneliest Night.

It's always gloomy.
I'm always gloomy in Christmas' Eve. It's like there's inexplicable sadness that I should be somewhere somehow doing something else with someone but I'm not.
Like going to church with someone but I don't. Like celebrating Christmas but I'm not.
And I know that I'm the one causing the situation. No one else but me is responsible for all decisions I've made. I'm just too weak to take stronger decisions, afraid that I won't be able to live with consequences.

It's hard to forgive others who have wronged you. But it's harder to forgive yourself for letting others trespass you. It's so extremely hard to forgive and accept that you are only human. That you are not God and you can't possibly know for sure which action will be the 100% right one.

I can't forgive myself for all the misery I've caused myself and I won't forgive myself for causing miseries on others that I love and care about. That's why I'm trapped here, forever trying to repent without any satisfying salvation.

I'm straying. Or am I?
I know that Christ was born for redeeming sins of men. But for now, I'm not one He will redeem yet. Maybe that's why I'm being so mellow right now. Because I feel so far and so abandoned.  Like I'm the lowest soul that not even Angel would touch, let alone Christ.

And that's the worst feeling you could have in a Christmas eve like now.